The Silent Suffering of Men

Years of HR experience partnering with men in business and community volunteer endeavors, plus becoming a life coach for men, have taught me a few things that I was not fully aware of as a woman. Also, I am the daughter of a man who raised me on his own, no woman influences around in my early childhood life whatsoever.

To quote Congressman Bill Richardson (Congressional Record, H3905-H3906, May 24, 1994):

“Recognizing and preventing men’s health problems is not just a man’s issue.
Because of its impact on wives, mothers, daughters, and sisters, men’s health is truly a family issue.”

As a daughter, over my father’s lifetime, he just turned 80 a week ago! I was privy to his suffering.  Yes, it was silent, confusing and often overwhelming for a little girl, until it became normal. However, my normal was not the societal or community normal, therefore there was always an internal battle within me about the role of a father.  Watching other parents, specifically fathers, became an internal inquiry about why my father was not like the other children’s fathers…

The reality is he didn’t need to be like any other father.  He was mine, and he is who he is.  His own life experience, internalized interpretations of such experiences, and choices he made along the way made him …himself. I had not influence on that! But as a daughter, I judged him harshly every step of the way…until I began to work and coach men. My father was very poor, no shoes to go to school kind of poor. His mom and dad divorced, and they decided to split the custody of the two children they had. He stayed with his father. His father battled cancer and died in his arms when he was only 15 years old, and he was alone in the world. Alcohol became his medicine of choice. At 24, he became a father, but he was already broken long before I was born. My mother, I’m sure, experienced all of it and walked away from us both. I do see my father cry now more often as an older adult, the suffering walls have softened, and the stories flow sometimes unannounced. I have developed so much compassion for both of my parents. I do wonder what a difference it would’ve made if he had found support or mentorship early on in life and accepted it in order to heal. I also wonder if the shame of his own story would’ve allowed him to carry healing forward. 

The men I partnered with at work were go-getters and successful with pristine professional personas. Many supported my professional goals and protected me along the way, others competed with me or despised me as I have always had a strong character... for a woman.  These interactions made me wonder why they would act so differently! 

And then, I began to see it: The silent suffering of men. The go-getters with pristine professional personas were human. As I became a trusted leader and business partner, they opened themselves for me to see their insecurities, anger, and, quite often, their deep sadness.  Yes, I have had men cry in my work offices over the years more times than anyone cares to think. A few times, that I remember vividly these moments still, these men were suicidal, but their families never knew. The mental despair, chronic diseases, being afraid of dying young, caring for others, including brothers, fathers and sons, in charge of their lives and others while struggling themselves with their own family history and mental issues. Carrying legacies of generational suffering and silence as men. Yet, in business, there was no place for me to support beyond the referral to EAP, and therapy, which many rejected to follow through on. This lack of action made me wonder if they could open to me, why wouldn’t they follow through to get help?

That became clear when I became a life and executive coach working with men. It was about creating a safe space for them to show up, share and Be, without judgement. As a woman coach, the trauma informed, positive intelligence and life energy trainings came handy as these men opened themselves to me in sessions.  Unbeknownst to me, my own life experience as a woman raised by her father began to take shape and to paint a picture. The revelations of their own childhood trauma often never unspoken nor realized before, began to take shape right before me. The picture of men struggling to fight their own internal battles while showing up seemingly unscathed by their own life experiences. 

 Look at statistics on men’s health: Link

It made me wonder: How much of this duality can they take before they break? And, as they break what and who else was being impacted?

The legacy phrases often told to a little boy: Man up, Men don’t cry, toughen up boy, girls don’t like weak men, all before they even learned what that meant as they were only that: little boys.

The implied message with those statements were hide your truth, your suffering, hustle to look good, put a mask on.  I’m sure we could add more to that. Were these statements used to fire them up or to make them burn inside?

The internal battles burning in their minds, hearts, and souls takes them away while still here, and most of them live burning inside in SILENCE.

As wives, we often become the only space for them to feel they can open. However, often that’s the first place they do not wish to go because that is not what they wish their women to see…fear of vulnerability and rejection. On the flip side, men with deep trauma may display such internal battle at home, impacting their families…and because they suffer in silence while looking “strong,” families suffer the impact of such silent suffering. 

So, what do we do?

We create open and safe spaces for men to show up, share, and be. Places for them to heal.

We help them acknowledge and accept their pain.  The anger, fear, shame, and grief. A place where the light can provide remedy over what the darkness has perpetuated. 

We can support them in listening to their unabashed truth so they can free themselves from their internal chatter.

We can offer company, so they know they are not alone. Who can do this work for men? Anyone. Anyone willing to allow wings to their truth to fly out of their minds and hearts to accelerate the healing process.

We can offer resources for them to take care of their physical, mental, and spiritual health. 

We can show them that strength does not lie in carrying their suffering in silence but in allowing themselves to speak their truth to heal the parts of themselves that keep them isolated within craving for a sense of acceptance, love and connection with another.

To show up, share, and be strong as they are within, and allowing that unique strength to show up and bless others. 

We can begin this work with little boys and young men today, so the generational impact is less in the future.  That is my goal with this article.  To bring awareness, education, and advocacy to a large part of our population in development (little boys and young men) while emphasizing that great men exist! I SEE them in my sessions, at work, in communities and many are carrying their silent suffering while working on healing themselves.

Let’s be aware of that and create spaces for them to continue to heal and to help other men too.